Tears don't lie? Children do!

Tears don't lie - at least that's what Michael Holm claims in his famous hit song. Children, on the other hand, do lie. Sometimes even like printed matter. This often causes parents a lot of stress, which is why we are taking a closer look at this topic. And also because it's honestly a topic where we parents always have to look at how big our own part in it is.

First of all, we know that children can't really tell the difference between "true" and "false" until they are three or three and a half years old. Children are still very much living in a fantasy world and "the truth" is not yet so clearly defined for them. What's more, children up to this age are not yet able to judge or link certain complex situations correctly. Example: A three-year-old takes something from his older brother and is pushed shortly afterwards. However, the three-year-old will not see the connection between taking something away and being pushed, but will think that he was pushed for no reason.

From the age of four, children start to use lies deliberately and are also aware that they are not telling the truth.

It is important to realise that lying is always linked to an intention. The task of us parents is therefore to find out why the child has to resort to a lie in this or that situation. In principle, there are three main explanations:

1. The child wants to make themselves better, more awesome, bigger. Mostly because they are in a phase of life in which they have deficits in terms of self-worth. And then they try to make themselves look better by lying.

2. Probably the most common case: the child is afraid of parental anger and annoyance. It is not in a position to admit mistakes. The paediatrician Herbert Renz-Polster put it like this: 'When the cost of telling the truth is too high, we tend to cheat.

That's why there's really only one thing left for us parents to do on both points: seek an open, honest and intensive dialogue with the child. If point 1 takes centre stage, then it is important to empower the child. This is where my favourite pedagogical saying comes into play again: Weaknesses are weakened by strengthening strengths. If point 2 takes centre stage, we need to honestly question ourselves: How do we deal with children's lying? Are we perhaps really too angry too often? Do we allow the child to make mistakes too little? Have we taught them too little about admitting mistakes? And if it is the case that the same topic is repeatedly combined with lies, perhaps we also need to make sure that we are a little more consistent in our parenting at this point and set tighter boundaries again. Example: The child always claims to have already brushed their teeth - then from now on brushing their teeth has to take place under parental control again.

3. The third point is that we parents are of course always role models. That's why we must always scrutinise how much our children learn from us in everyday life - and what we ourselves think about the truth.

A special sub-issue here is the so-called white lie. This is a statement that is not true but is intended to promote social harmony. Example: A child receives a present from Grandma that is not so great, but still says "Great, Grandma, nice present!". In this case, every family system has to decide for itself how to deal with such issues. Personally, I don't think it does any harm at all to teach children from an early age that a certain, politely worded honesty is actually the better way. But every family should decide that for themselves.

The fact is: "Lying is taboo" is not a good resolution for a family. Because it simply cannot be kept. We can't avoid having to deal with this issue intensively - with ourselves and with our children.

My appeal: If a certain level is not exceeded, then don't lose your nerve, but consider it normal child development. However, if the lying reaches a level that causes you a great deal of concern, then you should speak to your paediatrician about it. Or contact counselling centres for parents and families, which do very, very good work in this area.