Tantrums - dramatic or normal?

The first question I ask parents when they complain about their child throwing tantrums is: Who does your child throw tantrums with? The answer in over 90 per cent of cases: "Actually, only with us parents." Then I congratulate them and say: "Congratulations. You've done a lot of things right." Because the child then has such a secure bond with its parents that it only throws tantrums there. They know that they are safe there. And that is very important.

Tantrums are a completely normal part of a child's development. They occur in all cultures and start between one and a half and two years of age. Sometimes it's over after a year, sometimes after three, sometimes after five - and if we're honest, we all know a few adults who still haven't quite got over it ;-)

From a distance, it's always difficult to judge whether the nature and frequency of the tantrums are pathological - or whether it's all still within the normal range. But the line between "normal" and "normal" can be drawn very clearly. If it is clear to you as parents that our child is actually a good child, everything is going well, you also get good feedback from outsiders - and yet this child sometimes flips out and everything is too late, then you almost certainly don't have a problem. It's "just" really exhausting for you.

Incidentally, the triggers can be completely banal. Example: The child freaks out because the yellow cup is on the table and not the red one. And how long does such a tantrum last? That's also impossible to say exactly. It can be over after three minutes. Or it can last half an hour.

Unfortunately, there is no one single tip on what to do. The important thing is to stay calm and don't start freaking out. Otherwise you'll just end up in a spiral of anger that won't help you or your child. And, of course, the child should not learn that throwing a tantrum will achieve its goal. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't give in from time to time - but it doesn't tend to be particularly good pedagogy to give the child what they want to achieve with their tantrums. Because then you reinforce this behaviour.

The crucial thing is: once the anger has subsided, children are affectionate and in need of comfort. Then you should be there for your child - and quickly make sure that your child's world is put back in order. And at some point, the whole issue will come to a good end.