"Rupture and Repair"
‘Rupture and Repair’ – it sounds a bit like a skincare or haircare product, but it’s actually a term from psychology. And it’s an idea that can really help parents in their day-to-day lives.
We often see that parents are genuinely worried about how it will affect their child when things really go wrong at home, when they, as parents, lose their temper or something like that. And that’s why it’s important to realise: a child is perfectly capable of coping when things get a bit rocky. From a psychological point of view, it’s actually important for a child to experience that things can go completely wrong sometimes, that a bond of trust can be temporarily broken – and then mended again.
Hence the term ‘Rupture and Repair’: the bond between parent and child is temporarily severed – and then mended again when reconciliation takes place.
A good example is when, at the paediatrician’s surgery, it’s necessary to hold the child down for a brief moment whilst taking a blood sample. The child is scared, crying, distraught, and feels let down by their parents because they’ve allowed it to happen anyway. And then it’s all over; reconciliation follows. You reassure the child that you recognise their fear and can see how much they’ve suffered. And just like that, everything is fine again. They get a biscuit or an ice cream, and that’s that.
Another typical everyday situation: parents don’t realise that the child wants something from them at that very moment, perhaps because they’re engrossed in their mobile. That’s not a bad thing in itself. All it takes is a quick ‘chat’ – you say to the child, ‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention’, and then give them your full attention.
This process – this ‘rupture and repair’ – is hugely important for a child’s development because it provides emotional stability. This is how they learn: the world falls apart briefly for a moment, and then it’s whole again. This is of great value in building resilience.
That doesn’t mean, however, that such situations should be deliberately created. Things like this happen time and again all by themselves in everyday life. It’s important that parents don’t despair over them, but realise that such things can and do happen. And that, in moderation, they’re actually a good thing for a child’s development.
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